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Rob Walton: two poems

Photograph by Evelyn Walton

a little knowledge


I don't know much about bananas but I know

they're not supposed to leak. I don't know

much about housework but I do know

you shouldn't do it in the middle of the night

with your sweat stinking of wine and your psyche

nowt but grief and pain and bitterness. I know

little of apples but I suspect you're supposed

to eat them before they get this small. I don't know

a great deal about falling in love but I know

it rarely happens as a direct result of shouting

abuse at the red team on bargain hunt. I don't know

much about things people think matter. I know

quite a lot about quantum physics but you

wouldn't catch me mentioning the spot-on

computation of the Nagaoka-Hayashi being good-

to-go for multiparameter estimation with separable

measurements unless someone on a dating app

had expressed a very specific interest in which case

I'd also invest in some deodorant and banana plasters.


Wedding favours (non-traditional)


Before the trip to the wedding do

in some mythical part of the East Riding

I had a haircut and filled the car

with petrol. Then I got ill.


So I asked the bride and groom

for some sort of refund for my initial outlay

and maybe a contribution towards the food I didn't eat

and my new bamboo boxers.


I forgot to send the invoice but assumed

they would automatically reimburse me

with some grubby Yorkshire twenties

wrapped around a squashed piece of wedding cake.


This still hasn't arrived 

confirming all my pre-nuptial misgivings

so I've sent them the petrol

a lock of hair and a cake slice.


I put it all through their letter box

with a photo the barber took

and some wedding matches I'd stolen

as a stand-by present.


Scunthorpe-born Rob Walton now lives in Whitley Bay.  His poems, flash fictions and short stories for adults and children have appeared in various anthologies and magazines in the UK, USA, Canada, Ireland and New Zealand. Arachne Press published his debut poetry collection, This Poem Here. Other publishers include Atrium, Butcher’s Dog, the Emma Press, Bloomsbury, Harper Collins, Smith/Doorstop, Dunlin Press, Dostoyevsky Wannabe, Popshot and Strix. You can find him here: @robwaltonwriter.


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